Are you excited about your first date with a guy or girl you just met? Maybe you’re already feeling the attraction so you’re a little nervous. Or maybe you haven’t dated in a while so you’re testing the waters – and not sure what to say or how to act. First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re just getting to know each other. There’s no need to put additional pressure on yourself.

That said, when we get nervous, we tend to say or do things that we normally wouldn’t. Or when we feel a connection to someone new, it may cause us to disclose too much, too soon. Remember, you’re still learning about each other, so it’s important in the beginning to keep the conversation light and away from quick judgments and confessionals. Following are a few conversation tips to keep in mind:

Keep your exes to yourself. I have some friends who went through bad breakups and liked to discuss their exes on dates – what they did wrong, how they left the relationship, and how awful these exes are now. These friends usually weren’t asked out again. If your tendency is to complain about your ex, do yourself a favor: don’t bring him/her up in the first place! There’s nothing more discouraging on a first date than listening to a litany of complaints about an old romantic partner. It’s much better to focus on the present – and your date who is right in front of you. If you’re asked about your break-up, kindly say that you don’t want to discuss it yet. Heavy topics can wait until you get to know each other a little better. Have fun and build your relationship first.

Leave work behind. It’s tempting to talk about office politics, gossip, or your current workload and projects, but you’re on a date. It’s not exactly romantic or flirtatious to bring the office with you, so don’t.

Don’t argue politics. I know it’s a Presidential election year and we’re bombarded with news and updates about it. Politics is a hot-button topic these days, and if you start a diatribe about your views, it might be intimidating or threatening to your date. Remember, this is the time to be fun and flirtatious, so leave politics for later should the relationship progress.

Drop the attitude. This is especially important, because if you’ve been dating a while, you might have adopted one without realizing it. If you’re judging your dates in the first couple of minutes based on what they look like or how they speak, take a step back. Instead of making assumptions, I challenge you to engage more and really get to know your date. Just because you’ve had certain experiences with some women doesn’t make it true for all.

Keep conversation light. I’ll remind you again that you’re not at work or at a bitch session with friends. So lighten up and enjoy the moment. Practice your flirting. Mix things up, like going ice skating instead of grabbing a drink. Being active allows both of you to be a little more loose. Focus on having fun.

Ask questions and be engaged. A date isn’t a job interview, so don’t come armed with a list of your great qualifications. Instead, focus on the other person. There’s no need to interrogate, but feel free to ask questions about what he likes to do on the weekend or where he’s traveled. Engage with each other. If there’s no chemistry, then try to enjoy yourself and practice holding your end of the conversation. That way, you’re ready when the right person does come along.

Kelly

Kelly Seal is a freelance writer whose contributions have appeared in The Huffington Post, Slate, Examiner, MSN, Yahoo! Living, YourTango, The Frisky, and Divine Caroline among others. A native of Houston, Texas, she moved to L.A. and spent six years as a speed dating host and countless more online dating, learning to navigate the city’s fickle dating culture. She blogs and video blogs on dating and relationships at www.kellyseal.com.

Everyone wants to be in love but the question is how do we get there? Do you discover love accidentally? Or do you make love happen for you? Waking up day after day to see couples madly in love while you make your way back to your apartment all by your lonesome self, it is understandable that you would be in a position to make love possible. Those who have already found that special someone will almost always say that love found them. So which side of the coin are you on?

Making Love Happen Everywhere You Go

Most people make love happen, or at least try to. Who wants to stay on the sidelines when they can proactively search for love. Online dating sites and bars make a fortune off of bringing single people together in the hopes of finding love. In many cases, they do. But night after night hanging out at the bar or going on date after date, without truly connecting with someone special can feel quite defeating and hopeless at times.

But what else can you do? There is always asking your friends to help set you up with someone, joining new activities or classes and even going out on a whim to ask random people out that you meet for 5 minutes while talking on line at the local coffee shop. In this case, you are definitely maximizing your efforts to search for love but in the end, if you don’t find someone you might become sour from the whole experience. So what do you do if you are tired of being lonely?

Ready to Discover Love?

It is hard to hear this (or in this case read it) but discovering love accidentally is the best option for you. For one thing, you won’t be expecting it which will make this love experience much sweeter. You also won’t have all of these pent up emotions about finding love. Many times when we become negative about love, a few things happen.

• We can’t notice that love is right in front of us.
• People that may have once been interested in us, no longer are because of your poor attitude towards love AKA no one wants to be with someone who is sad and depressed all of time because they can’t find someone to date.
• We don’t attract as many people because of the negative vibration that you send by being upset all of the time.

Every person who has been single at one point or another has been upset because they are unable to find someone to spend their time with and talk about their day when they get home from work. Some overcome this feeling while others dwell in pity. Now is the time to pick yourself up and let love discover you while focusing your energy on something productive. Why?

By being productive about your own life, means that you stop worrying about why no one wants to date you, all of your friends are getting married, everyone is happy and in love while you’re eating cookies and ice cream to slowly make the problem worse. All of those stresses simply go away and you don’t waste any time. Many people say how much time they have lost looking for love instead of doing the things that they love.

Find Love on Your Terms

If you want to learn a new language then sign up for a class at your local language center or community college. Who knows, by doing this you might fall in love without knowing it and if you don’t, you still have accomplished learning a new language. The thing is that you cannot sign up for these classes or activities in general with the hope of finding someone. Go out and do what you love, or find something you want to do and if something happens, you won’t be blindsided.

Finding love accidentally is great because it is authentic. It’s something unexpected and full of life. You aren’t creating anything artificial, trying to dress the part or say the right things. You know that the timing is right because you feel it. There is no doubt that this love is supposed to be there.

Putting the Pieces Together

Trying to create a situation where you will fall in love with someone can be incredibly difficult to pursue and maintain a positive attitude about. No matter how much time and effort you put into your search, there are no guarantees. You can’t force someone to be with you or love you for that matter. That is why discovering love accidentally is the perfect solution. When you feel like love is finally coming your way be open and welcoming to it. Don’t be afraid or spiteful thinking “Gee why is it coming to me now when I have been searching for it for so long.”

Be yourself and be happy. Soon you will see how many people are swarming around you because of your positive, happy and fun vibration that you give off while doing what you love or experiencing something new.

-Allison Schleck

It has happened to all of us at one time or another. We’re lying there with our partner in a state of post-coital bliss, snuggling and feeling as if though all is right with the world. And then out of nowhere – the bomb is dropped. In a loving, delicate voice, your partner says “So, how many people have you slept with?”

Suddenly all of the air is sucked out of the room. Your dreamy, half lidded gaze is replaced by a deer in the headlights stare, and the soft pitter pat of your heart has now become a booming bass drum. WHY????? This never leads to anything good! Answering the question will most likely result in a fight. NOT answering the question will definitely result in a fight. What to do?

Regardless of whether you are male or female, the question is loaded. Do you answer at all? Do you lie? Do you tell the truth because “honesty is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship”? Why is he/she asking in the first place? Is it because they want to divulge their own number or because they want to judge you based solely upon yours? Assuming that you both have produced a clean bill of health, will knowing their “number” have a significantly positive effect on your relationship? If not, I say DON’T ASK. I personally cannot come up with one reason that having this knowledge would positively enhance the relationship. I think it’s more of a ‘morbid curiosity’ situation, and unfortunately in a lot of relationships, the number answered is equal to the ammo used in the next fight. Each partner is a bullet in the verbal gun.

Then there’s the old expectation that men should have a large number in order to appear ‘manly’ and women should have “you” as their only answer, lest they be made out to be a whore. (Who the men are sleeping with remains a mystery). Have we really evolved so little in our social expectations of each other? We point and judge in red faced rage at those cultures who make their women wear burqas, we encourage our own women to dress as if they are about to “go on stage” and lap dances are half price – then we have the nerve to judge women and call them ‘whores’ if they have had more than 3 sexual partners by the time they are 40. Lets make up our minds, America. Are we a sexually mature and progressive country or are we still in a double-standard, dark ages mentality? Regardless of where we are in our mentality, it’s still a dangerous question.

I recently took a poll on my facebook fan page, asking this question and once again was a bit surprised by the results. 57% of the men answered “No” they would not divulge their number, compared to a whopping 87% of women! I think women are acutely aware of the repercussions in divulging such info. After blurting out their number men may get the cold shoulder for a day, whereas women get labeled for life.

“The past is the past. As long as the number stays the same during the relationship, that’s all that should matter to either partner.” Says one male voter. I think he has a healthy view of topic. If we all shared that point of view, there might be a lot less nights on the couch.

KK

“We use porn in our sex life sometimes. Nothing hardcore. Mostly Andrew Blake. Girl on Girl stuff turns my wife on. Even though she has never been with a woman she is sexually attracted to them.” Says one Facebook poll voter.

Another interesting side note about those who voted “We enjoy it together” is that 23% of those who chose that answer, were women. Could it be that women are changing and enjoying pornography more than they used to, or has it just become more acceptable for them to admit it? (I think I see another poll coming.)

At any rate the question still remains, ‘should you tell her about your porn watching habits?’ I don’t think there is really a black and white answer to this question. Let’s be honest, it really depends on the attitude of the other person and, quite frankly, the level of your habit.

“My significant other absolutely hates it, whether its erotica or hardcore, so I enjoy it discreetly…wish it were otherwise, but what can you do?” Says a Facebook friend.

But this feedback brings to light another question for me. Is she aware that you enjoy it discreetly or do you have to hide it altogether? Unfortunately this friend just commented but did not vote. One might assume from his answer that he hides it, however, from my personal experience that wouldn’t necessarily be the case. I myself am not into porn. I’m burned out on it. It does nothing for me (most of the time) but I don’t mind if my husband enjoys it once in awhile when we are apart. This is something that we have talked about, so in this case it would not be hidden. Get my point?

One Facebook poll voter had this to say about telling your significant other: “Most definitely. That way she knows what turns me on or off. If she wasn’t interested, I probably picked the wrong partner. Nice not to have that problem!”

So what about those who do hide it from their significant other? What are the repercussions if it’s found? It stands to reason that if your porn watching habit is a large part of your life, it should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship so beliefs and boundaries can be established. But if it’s just an occasional indulgence maybe it doesn’t have to be discussed at all. Are we blurring the line between honesty and privacy? On the one hand we would like to be as honest as possible with our mate, but on the other hand how much honesty is too much?

I think I’ll save that topic for another time.

-KK

How many of us have stayed in a BAD relationship just because the sex was so good? You know what I’m talking about, you damn near can’t stand the person any longer but you can’t resist jumping in the sack with them. Oh the humiliation! So at what point does the sex become not worth it any longer? What is the ‘final straw’ or the breaking point that makes us finally say “Enough! I can’t do this any more! I don’t care how great the sex is!” For some people that point doesn’t come until a restraining order is filed. Talk about stamina.

“I met this chick who was a little bit freaky. Everyone needs a little freaky now and then. I saw our relationship as a few hook ups, she was on the total opposite end of the spectrum, she found her man. She would STALK me and my friends! This was before cell phones, so she would literally drive to each of my hangouts throughout the evening looking for me. One morning I was driving her home to her apartment in downtown Seattle, mind you I had one of the worst hangovers of my life, and she kept bitching at me about this and that. In my mind I am thinking “Where does she get off talking to me like this? Is the sex really that good to put up with all of this BS?” So I pull up to a newsstand and give her a quarter to get me a paper. She gets out, I drive off…….6 months later she calls me to go skiing.”

JP – Florida

“Last year there was a chick who I went out with once or twice. I had sex with her once, and yeah, it was definitely fun that one time. And I’m pretty sure that it would have been loads of fun had I kept seeing her, but my Yoda-sense was tingling and screaming “No!” so I stopped. The next week, I learned that she was going to all the area gyms pretending to be a prospective member and dropping my name as a reference to find out if I worked out there! I believe she visited 20 gyms in a week, pulling that stunt. I dodged that psycho bullet!! Was the sex good? Yes. But not worth the trip to the police department to file a restraining order.”

Bill S. – Personal Trainer, Texas

“Even if the sex is nothing less than phenomenal it will get old if you are dealing with a straight up psycho. I’ve gone out with too many and I’ve tested this theory over and over again.”

DG – Florida

“I dated someone that was so possessive and demanding that if I didn’t come over or call her, my phone would blow up! The sex was great when we weren’t fighting. I finally left her after she showed up at my Job with her mom. She had told her mom that she wanted to introduce her future husband to her.”

Bob P.

“I had been dating a woman for a few months . Nothing too serious, or at least I thought. At the time, I was on the road a lot for my job. One trip through Ohio was memorable – it snowed so hard they closed the interstate – while I was on it!  I pulled into a truck stop , for the night and called my boss, roommate, and GF to let them know I was safe, etc. The GF demanded that I drive back that night. I explained to her that even if I wanted to , the State Patrol wouldn’t allow it.  That didn’t set well with her. 28 hours later, I finally got back into town and made the mistake of calling the GF . She demanded that I come over that night. I was exhausted, needed a shower and a bed. I wanted to go to MY home. She would have none of that. Instead of arguing, I went over to her house. It was that, or have her call me every 10 minutes.  The next day, I went home, and she started calling about 30 mins after I got home, wanting me to come back. I told her I was too tired, I would talk to her the next day. That didn’t too sit well with her.  After ignoring her calls for the next 3 hours, they stopped. Then, a brick came flying through my window at my house. I looked out the window, and there she was. I asked her why in the hell did she throw a brick through my window? Her reply was: ‘You wouldn’t answer your phone.’

We stopped dating soon afterwards.”

Mark P. – Kentucky

“I’ve learned that karma works in mysterious ways. If you play with a psycho, you’ll smell like a psycho, and then attract other psychos.”

Bill S. – Texas

“I got a wedding invitation and couldn’t decide who to take, as I was seeing a couple different people. I decided on one and then this other chick decides to crash the wedding. Eventually these two girls duke it out on the dance floor. Each claiming that I love them more than the other. After the dust settles the roommate of ‘psycho wedding crasher’ comes and slugs me in the back of the head. She got a beer tossed on her. Then I left.”

Joe – Florida

Side note: I asked Joe if he stayed with either of these women because the sex was ‘just that good.’ Joe’s answer? “I married the winner.”

I guess sometimes it is!

-KK

Nowadays you can’t turn on the television past ten o’clock at night without seeing two scantily clad, drunk, young girls, sloppily making out with each other while some dude, with a camcorder from Fry’s, records the whole fiasco. Is it hot? Hell yeah! Is it bisexuality? I don’t think so. Now, I could be wrong because this is solely based upon my personal opinion, but I don’t think these booze drenched, college playground encounters qualify as bisexuality. Why? Simple. I’ve done it and I’m not bisexual.

“What??” you say. “How can that be? Surely you’re bisexual!” Nope. Not me. And let me explain why I don’t identify as such.

Back in my drinking and ‘partying all night’ days, I had kissed a few girls. Lets face it, girls are great kissers. Girls kiss girls the way girls want to be kissed. Besides they’re soft and little and they smell good. I would almost venture to say that I prefer kissing girls but I’m afraid my husband would divorce me – so I’m not going to say that. I have even gone farther than just ‘kissing’ with girls, but when faced with the question “Are you bisexual?” my answer is always “No.” The reason being is that I have never been in a relationship with a girl, nor do I have any desire to. In my humble opinion, to qualify as bisexual one must be able to fall in love with and be in a relationship with a member of the same sex. Not just grope and kiss and do fun things that you would never tell your mother about. Especially if every time you have these experiences you happen to be intoxicated.

In a discussion regarding the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ type videos and true bisexuality or “just adventurous,” a Facebook friend had this to say:

“I’d say ‘just adventurous’ in those settings. Just playin’ up to the camera and crowd. Never could find (true bisexuals) for real, back in the day…”

I too tend to think of it as just playing up to the camera. The girls know what is hot, what gets attention, and what will get them in the video; but I have a hard time picturing any of them in a relationship together and arguing over who is going to pay which bill or who left the cap off the toothpaste.

Lets look at this from another perspective; I have many gay friends, both male and female, who have had sexual experiences with members of the opposite sex, but they don’t identify as bisexual, they solely identify as gay. And although very few talk about it, there are many heterosexual men who have experimented to one degree or another in their youth but would NEVER identify as bisexual. And I’m not speaking of homophobes or closeted homosexuals. I mean honest to goodness, beer drinking, football watching, farting and laughing, Nascar hat wearing, hetero men. (Just don’t try to get them to admit to their experimenting.)

My friend Teresa hit the nail on the head when she said, “I always thought the terms Bisexual/Gay/Lesbian/etc., in their true sense, had to deal with “loving” somebody. Terms like heteroflexible/homoflexible were more for adventure and play.”

My point exactly. And there is nothing wrong with a little fun. (wink)

I think the term “bisexual” has become a fad or a ‘feather in the cap’ of young girls who want to appear wild and desirable in today’s climate of “the more extreme, the better.” It has become a “Looky what I can do in front of a crowd of people” mentality, as opposed to true identity clarification.

I know that the topic of this article is agitating a lot of you and making the hair stand up on the back of your necks. And quite frankly, I’m glad. “Why do we have to label it at all??” is what you are screaming at your computer monitor. I agree. We shouldn’t have to. I venture to guess that when homophobia and gay discrimination are a thing of the past, terms like “bisexuality” will just fall by the wayside. I for one, cannot wait for that day.

KK

If we take a step back and look at this topic in a logical/nonjudgmental way, how is it  really that less savory than meeting someone in a bar or at the grocery store?  Sure it can be said that people lie in their profiles about who they really are, but from my experience, people lie with their mouths too.  Right to your face.  A liar is a liar, plain and simple.  I quote the late Jim Rohn when I say: “Liars lie, thieves steal and cheaters cheat.”  It’s what they do.  Regardless of how or where you meet them – that is what they will do.

I guess the most common “lie” portrayed over the internet is that of the PROFILE PICTURE.  I think all of us, at one time or another have met someone in person, even platonically or through a friend, who looks like Johnny Depp in their profile pic and Ernest Borgnine in person.  But why is it always “they”  or the “other person” ?  Do you think the same thing is thought of you and me?  Hmm…..think about it.  When was your profile pic taken?  (I’ll wait while you do the math.)

It’s one thing to be a couple of years younger in your profile pic,  but some people blatantly misrepresent themselves, and that can be downright creepy.  I have a dear friend who has had some experience with online dating and this is what she has to say about misrepresentation:

“I’m a bodybuilder.  I work out 7 days a week and I state that in my profile.  I say that I am looking for an active man with an athletic build, because going to the gym and working out is such a huge part of my life.  And yet I have men who are clearly a minimum of 20 lbs overweight in their picture, contact me and say they are athletic because they FISH.  I don’t mean to be rude but C’MON!”

The general consensus seems to be that online dating would be less daunting and time consuming if people would take the time to read and respect what you have put in your profile.  For instance there are a lot of people who just want a sexual connection. “I have no problem with that.” Says my friend. “But my profile clearly states that that is not what I’m looking for.  I am looking for a relationship. And yet I’m still inundated with hits from guys who just want to ‘hook up.’ Not only is it frustrating, it completely wastes my time.” 

I think the same could be said for the latter.  If you are interested in a relationship, don’t put yourself out there as just looking for a “fling” or a “sex buddy” only to try and change the rules mid-game.  Be honest with your intentions right up front and save everyone a headache.

Personally, I like the idea of being able to communicate with someone and get to know them for a period of time before you actually go on a date.  However, THIS can have its downfalls too, since chemistry plays a HUGE role in compatibility.  Conversational chemistry is important but sexual chemistry is a MUST.

“I have had some great online conversations where we were just so conversationally compatible.” Says my online dating friend. “We knew the same movie lines, got each other’s jokes.  Everything seemed be hitting on all cylinders.  Then we meet in person and nothing.  No chemistry.  And these are good looking men!”

So, as scary as online dating may sound, I would like to end this article on a positive note.  I met someone online.  We talked for 3 months before we met in person.  By then we were in a committed relationship and hadn’t even been in the same room together.  Sounds crazy, right?  We both had the typical fears of “What if there is no chemistry when we meet?” and “What if he/she looks completely different than the pictures I’ve seen?”  Frightening!  But by then we were in love.  And today we are married. 

I guess online dating isn’t so bad after all.

KK

There’s the Sanuk, the HighJoy Products (A Rabbit and a egg), plus a French product that seems to be in pre-release stage.  In previous years there was mention of a interactive adapter to the male Fleshlight.

HighJoy Remote Control & Internet enabled Sex Toys

http://highjoy.com/Products.aspx

These products are made by Doc Johnson, and consist of several parts:

1) vibrator or vibrating egg

2) controller – with multiple buttons for vibrator settings.

3) the usb to serial adapter, typically a Belkin unit. (which is not simply a cable).

4) a optional sleeve, if the ‘bullet’ model is chosen – either a penis and balls shaped silicone dildo, or a vagina simulating sleeve.

The USB to serial adapter is needed because the HighJoy remote vibrators use the outdated serial port, not the USB port and not many modern computers have serial ports.

To operate the HighJoy products, both player and playee need to sign up at HighJoy.com and pay $4.95/month to be connected.

Sanuk Cyber Dildo

This is truly a industrial strength machine, extremely powerful. We would not be surprised if this is the most powerful vibrator in the world. With a highly ridged, increasing width shape, this internet sex toy is completely unique. Unlike the motor in the typical vibrator that operates between 3 and 6 volts (2-4 cells), the motor in this super vibrator requires wall power A.C. (converted down to 12 volts). Included is a “clit” diamond for clitoral stimulation, and the whole setup comes in a sharp looking metal case.  Plug it into the USB port, Plus the power adapter into the wall 120v (no batteries here!), and you are ready to start, once you install the Windows based remote control software.

You can also download into the control unit you own designed rhythm, up to 50 minutes worth.  Set it to your favorite orgasmic music.

Q&A:

What do these internet sex toys cost?

HighJoy: About $55-$75 for the toy itself, $10-15 for sleeves, plus $10/month (for a couple)
The necessary Belkin USB to Serial adapter is included typically in the price.

Sanuk: About $185. There is no monthly charge.

All products currently on the market require Windows.

However, if you have a Mac and want cyber sex with a partner, do not despair.  It is possible to install the necessary software under either Apple’s Boot camp, or  Parallels software in conjunction with Windows 7 on a MacBook Pro or Mini.