First date conversation: how to keep it flowing

Are you excited about your first date with a guy or girl you just met? Maybe you’re already feeling the attraction so you’re a little nervous. Or maybe you haven’t dated in a while so you’re testing the waters – and not sure what to say or how to act. First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re just getting to know each other. There’s no need to put additional pressure on yourself.

That said, when we get nervous, we tend to say or do things that we normally wouldn’t. Or when we feel a connection to someone new, it may cause us to disclose too much, too soon. Remember, you’re still learning about each other, so it’s important in the beginning to keep the conversation light and away from quick judgments and confessionals. Following are a few conversation tips to keep in mind:

Keep your exes to yourself. I have some friends who went through bad breakups and liked to discuss their exes on dates – what they did wrong, how they left the relationship, and how awful these exes are now. These friends usually weren’t asked out again. If your tendency is to complain about your ex, do yourself a favor: don’t bring him/her up in the first place! There’s nothing more discouraging on a first date than listening to a litany of complaints about an old romantic partner. It’s much better to focus on the present – and your date who is right in front of you. If you’re asked about your break-up, kindly say that you don’t want to discuss it yet. Heavy topics can wait until you get to know each other a little better. Have fun and build your relationship first.

Leave work behind. It’s tempting to talk about office politics, gossip, or your current workload and projects, but you’re on a date. It’s not exactly romantic or flirtatious to bring the office with you, so don’t.

Don’t argue politics. I know it’s a Presidential election year and we’re bombarded with news and updates about it. Politics is a hot-button topic these days, and if you start a diatribe about your views, it might be intimidating or threatening to your date. Remember, this is the time to be fun and flirtatious, so leave politics for later should the relationship progress.

Drop the attitude. This is especially important, because if you’ve been dating a while, you might have adopted one without realizing it. If you’re judging your dates in the first couple of minutes based on what they look like or how they speak, take a step back. Instead of making assumptions, I challenge you to engage more and really get to know your date. Just because you’ve had certain experiences with some women doesn’t make it true for all.

Keep conversation light. I’ll remind you again that you’re not at work or at a bitch session with friends. So lighten up and enjoy the moment. Practice your flirting. Mix things up, like going ice skating instead of grabbing a drink. Being active allows both of you to be a little more loose. Focus on having fun.

Ask questions and be engaged. A date isn’t a job interview, so don’t come armed with a list of your great qualifications. Instead, focus on the other person. There’s no need to interrogate, but feel free to ask questions about what he likes to do on the weekend or where he’s traveled. Engage with each other. If there’s no chemistry, then try to enjoy yourself and practice holding your end of the conversation. That way, you’re ready when the right person does come along.

Kelly

Kelly Seal is a freelance writer whose contributions have appeared in The Huffington Post, Slate, Examiner, MSN, Yahoo! Living, YourTango, The Frisky, and Divine Caroline among others. A native of Houston, Texas, she moved to L.A. and spent six years as a speed dating host and countless more online dating, learning to navigate the city’s fickle dating culture. She blogs and video blogs on dating and relationships at www.kellyseal.com.

 

Do you Discover Love Accidentally or Make Love Happen?

Everyone wants to be in love but the question is how do we get there? Do you discover love accidentally? Or do you make love happen for you? Waking up day after day to see couples madly in love while you make your way back to your apartment all by your lonesome self, it is understandable that you would be in a position to make love possible. Those who have already found that special someone will almost always say that love found them. So which side of the coin are you on?

Making Love Happen Everywhere You Go

Most people make love happen, or at least try to. Who wants to stay on the sidelines when they can proactively search for love. Online dating sites and bars make a fortune off of bringing single people together in the hopes of finding love. In many cases, they do. But night after night hanging out at the bar or going on date after date, without truly connecting with someone special can feel quite defeating and hopeless at times.

But what else can you do? There is always asking your friends to help set you up with someone, joining new activities or classes and even going out on a whim to ask random people out that you meet for 5 minutes while talking on line at the local coffee shop. In this case, you are definitely maximizing your efforts to search for love but in the end, if you don’t find someone you might become sour from the whole experience. So what do you do if you are tired of being lonely?

Ready to Discover Love?

It is hard to hear this (or in this case read it) but discovering love accidentally is the best option for you. For one thing, you won’t be expecting it which will make this love experience much sweeter. You also won’t have all of these pent up emotions about finding love. Many times when we become negative about love, a few things happen.

• We can’t notice that love is right in front of us.
• People that may have once been interested in us, no longer are because of your poor attitude towards love AKA no one wants to be with someone who is sad and depressed all of time because they can’t find someone to date.
• We don’t attract as many people because of the negative vibration that you send by being upset all of the time.

Every person who has been single at one point or another has been upset because they are unable to find someone to spend their time with and talk about their day when they get home from work. Some overcome this feeling while others dwell in pity. Now is the time to pick yourself up and let love discover you while focusing your energy on something productive. Why?

By being productive about your own life, means that you stop worrying about why no one wants to date you, all of your friends are getting married, everyone is happy and in love while you’re eating cookies and ice cream to slowly make the problem worse. All of those stresses simply go away and you don’t waste any time. Many people say how much time they have lost looking for love instead of doing the things that they love.

Find Love on Your Terms

If you want to learn a new language then sign up for a class at your local language center or community college. Who knows, by doing this you might fall in love without knowing it and if you don’t, you still have accomplished learning a new language. The thing is that you cannot sign up for these classes or activities in general with the hope of finding someone. Go out and do what you love, or find something you want to do and if something happens, you won’t be blindsided.

Finding love accidentally is great because it is authentic. It’s something unexpected and full of life. You aren’t creating anything artificial, trying to dress the part or say the right things. You know that the timing is right because you feel it. There is no doubt that this love is supposed to be there.

Putting the Pieces Together

Trying to create a situation where you will fall in love with someone can be incredibly difficult to pursue and maintain a positive attitude about. No matter how much time and effort you put into your search, there are no guarantees. You can’t force someone to be with you or love you for that matter. That is why discovering love accidentally is the perfect solution. When you feel like love is finally coming your way be open and welcoming to it. Don’t be afraid or spiteful thinking “Gee why is it coming to me now when I have been searching for it for so long.”

Be yourself and be happy. Soon you will see how many people are swarming around you because of your positive, happy and fun vibration that you give off while doing what you love or experiencing something new.

 

-Allison Schleck